


Inter-personnel Relations

by NeoVenus22



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-12
Updated: 2010-03-12
Packaged: 2017-10-07 22:14:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/69786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoVenus22/pseuds/NeoVenus22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>This was so not in the SG-1 brochure: What To Do When Your Alien Sidekicks Start Dating</i>.  Cameron tries to meddle in the affairs of his teammates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inter-personnel Relations

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers: 9x19, 'Crusade'

Night and day, Cameron thought, looking at Teal'c and Vala sharing breakfast. He just didn't get it. Not that Vala wasn't totally hot, and from what he understood, Teal'c had managed in the course of his years under the SGC umbrella, to 'romance,' for lack of a better word, a number of women from a number of different planets. Of course, Cameron had gotten this intel from General O'Neill, who could have been screwing with him for fun.

Still, it seemed to be accurate enough, judging from repeat appearances of what Cameron liked to call Teal'c's 'indulgent' head nod (as opposed to his 'I agree' head nod, and his 'this is dumb, but I'll do it anyway' head nod) and— oh crap, Teal'c was _smiling_.

It was sorta scary.

On the flip side, Vala was being completely Vala. She was laughing toothily, tossing her hair, doing the thing where she managed to find a way to touch Teal'c every three point seven seconds. Vala was such an artist that she could turn any comment into something suggestive, and could flirt with anyone, anytime, but she was really pulling out all the stops. More importantly, Teal'c didn't seem to even mind.

It was entirely possible they were just punking him. Lord knew that all of the members of SG-1, and at least ten airmen Cameron could name, had been the patsy in a scheme of Vala's, at one point or another. And Teal'c did seem to derive an obscene amount of pleasure from torturing Cameron on a regular basis.

Still, the continued lunches and Jaffa meditation exercises (and really, who was he to complain about a process that got Vala to be quiet, let alone meditate, for even five minutes) led credence to the theory this was an odd, but utterly genuine relationship.

He could see why anyone might be interested in Teal'c, or in Vala. What he didn't understand was why they were interested in each other.

* * *

Maybe Cameron had his issues with Teal'c and Vala because he couldn't fathom what they had in common beside the place they now lived. Or maybe because while Vala oozed sensuality, Cameron neither could nor wanted to think of Teal'c as a sexual being. Even the knowledge of Teal'c's wife and son did nothing to dissuade Cameron of this image he'd built of Teal'c in his head.

Cameron sauntered into Sam's lab with the intent to subtly poke around for a second opinion. He tapped his fist against the doorframe to alert Sam and Daniel to his presence. They looked up and acknowledged him wordlessly, Sam with a smile and Daniel with a flick of the fingers.

"What am I missing?" said Cameron, expecting one genius and getting a two-fer.

"Nothing," Daniel said. "I was just telling Sam about how Vala somehow managed to find out I have an eBay account, and proceeded to bid three thousand dollars for a piece of bread supposedly bearing the face of the Virgin Mary." He paused, giving Cameron ample window to start chuckling. "She doesn't even know who the Virgin Mary _is_."

Sam shrugged, grinning like a demon. "I thought it was oddly appropriate, given the circumstances."

"Well now, there's a disturbing comparison I never want to think about again," said Cameron, trying to banish the notion from his mind before he started hearing his grandma's voice. "So, speaking of our favorite little con artist, what's the deal with her and Teal'c?"

"I think they're dating," Sam said, as though working out a new theory aloud.

"Can they?" said Cameron without thinking.

"Of course they can," said Sam. "Did you think romance was a concept limited to this planet? They've both been married before."

"Vala married out of circumstance."

"Yes, but I don't think this is one of those cases. Besides, do you really think Teal'c would let her get away with using him like that?"

The woman had a point, but this was beginning to edge into dangerous territory.

"Daniel?" Cameron said diplomatically. "Care to weigh in on the whole Teal'c-and-Vala debacle?"

"'Debacle?'" echoed Sam, but was silenced by Cameron's glare.

"Well, I think it's very progressive of Teal'c to form a relationship with a former Goa'uld host..."

Blah, blah, this was getting him nowhere fast. He wanted, however crazily, to know if Daniel was jealous, so he could get that out in the open, and get the whole thing over with before it became an issue with a capital I. Daniel either didn't get it, didn't care, or just wasn't going to throw him that bone.

Neither was Sam. The equivalent of a kick under the table, she glared at him and interrupted with, "I think it's cute."

"Cute?"

She shrugged, looking much younger than she was. "Yeah. I like seeing Teal'c like this, it's different. Nice."

"But you don't think it's strange?" Cameron demanded. Daniel cocked a curious eyebrow.

"The last time you had a girlfriend," Sam began, and Daniel had the audacity to roll his eyes a little, as though suggesting it had been awhile. Which was unfair, really. Just because Cameron hadn't gone on a date since he'd gotten here didn't mean that he had suddenly lost any dating expertise he'd once had. "Did you care if your friends thought your relationship was 'strange' or not?"

"No," he sighed.

"Cam, they're happy. You should count your blessings that your team is happy, and leave it at that."

"But Teal'c and Vala?" he protested, watching Sam's face fall. "I mean, what do they even have in common?"

"Besides bugging you?" Daniel said with a well-practiced grin.

Sam patted Cameron's shoulder in condolence. "If that's the weirdest thing you can think up," she said, with all the casual authority of a zen master, "then you haven't been here long enough."

* * *

"Teal'c, man, can I talk to you about Vala?" Cameron said one afternoon, intercepting the man outside of his thankfully empty quarters, adopting his best 'aw shucks' demeanor so the Jaffa wouldn't kill him for broaching a dangerous subject.

"You may," said Teal'c, stopping in the hallway and giving Cameron the rarity of his full attention. He must have known what was coming. But Cameron couldn't figure out how to delicately phrase his misgivings about the situation. An awkward silence descended over them, until Teal'c saw fit to fill in the blanks.

"You do not believe it would be prudent to continue my relationship with Vala Mal Doran in such a manner," said Teal'c.

"Well, that wasn't exactly what I was going to say," said Cameron.

"I understand your military has strict rules against fraternization," Teal'c continued. He said it as though he hadn't spent nine years living in an American military base, but rather he'd just learned of it that morning.

"Hey, I appreciate everything you've done for the team," said Cameron, "and the bullet you're willing to take." The last thing he needed was for Jaffa to develop berserker rage because this upstart human insisted he break up with his girlfriend. "But you know, you don't exactly need to subscribe to the Air Force's rules." He wondered if by saying that, he'd just given Teal'c license to ignore his orders altogether. "Neither does Vala," he felt compelled to point out, trying to urge the conversation away from the oh-so-tempting notion of insubordination. It was something of a redundant statement, however; it was no big secret Vala didn't really follow any sets of rules.

"You have misgivings."

Cameron figured he was going to, or had already, crossed a line, but he was doing this with only the best interests of his team at heart. In-fighting was bad, in-fighting over a woman was cliché, and total mutiny was not good for anyone. Besides, Teal'c had generously given him the opening. "Have you talked this over with Daniel?"

"Daniel Jackson expressed no misgivings when the subject was breached," Teal'c confirmed.

Maybe Cameron had overestimated Daniel's affection for Vala, or maybe Daniel just had a really good poker face. In either case, Teal'c had known Daniel longer and better than Cameron could ever hope to, so if Teal'c said Daniel was okay with it, then he had to believe Daniel was truly okay with it. "Well, all right."

"Was that your only concern, Colonel Mitchell?"

Cameron wondered idly how long he could get away with calling everyone by their full names and titles. He estimated an hour or two before anyone noticed, and another hour or two after that before he started receiving death threats on the matter.

"Well, it's just... I hope you know what you're getting into."

Teal'c smirked, with a side order of the indulgent head nod. Cameron wondered what Teal'c knew that he didn't to have the Jaffa looking so smug.

"I mean, this is Vala, after all. She could just be using you for your money." He contemplated the potential absurdity of this. "If you even have any."

"I receive a monthly allowance from Stargate Command," Teal'c informed him. "I believe with time, Vala Mal Doran will receive one, as well."

"God help the malls of Colorado," Cameron said, what he hoped was under his breath, but from the amusement in Teal'c's eyes, a stark contrast to his otherwise neutral face, it was clear he had heard. Fortunately, he didn't seem to care. Cameron didn't know if this was a good sign or not, but decided to embrace it at any rate.

"I don't need to tell you to take care of yourself."

"No," was the measured reply, "you do not."

"But I'm going to say it anyway. I'm just trying to look out for my teammates," he attempted to excuse himself.

Teal'c cocked a thoughtful eyebrow, which was really all Cameron expected of him.

* * *

"So, seriously," said Cameron, after swatting Vala's hand away from trying to stick her fingers into the whipped cream on his pie. "You and Teal'c?"

"Muscles is very charming," she said. "A lesson you could do well to learn."

Cameron snorted. "I'm charming." She volleyed back with a disbelieving look, and he lowered his dignity another notch by spluttering. "'Charming' implies 'engaging.' To engage, you have to actually _communicate_. All he ever does is go around raising his eyebrows at people and saying 'indeed.'" He tried to match Teal'c's deep voice, but fell short. Vala smirked at him.

"I do believe you're jealous."

Jealous that Teal'c was getting laid, maybe, but not because of Vala.

She grinned delightedly, and used his distraction to her advantage, scooping her finger through the dollop of whipped cream. Cameron looked at the gaping chasm and blanched. "You are. You are jealous. I understand how you would be, of course, I mean, _look_ at me." She gestured at herself, outfitted in a black tank top and... were those BDUs _tailored_? "But Colonel Mitchell, you had your chance, and you missed that train."

It seemed ill-advised to give her a crash course in mixed metaphors. He opted instead for, "When was this?"

"When I first arrived, silly. It was a bit of a free-for-all. A marathon, if you will, except instead of a flimsy medal, you received me as a prize!"

"Lucky us."

"Teal'c seemed to think so."

"Vala, I think you're getting the wrong impression here."

"About?"

"Me." He was beginning to develop a migraine. This was so not in the SG-1 brochure: What To Do When Your Alien Sidekicks Start Dating. "I'm not jealous. To be jealous, I'd have to be interested. And I'm not interested. And what about Daniel?"

"What about Daniel?" she answered primly. "Daniel was not interested either, or so he keeps claiming." If the comment seemed overly defensive or overly accusing, neither of them appeared to acknowledge it. Then she tapped him on the shoulder, and when he looked over, she appeared to be completely serious for the first time he'd seen in awhile. The last time she'd been so necessarily dramatic, she'd been in Jackson's body. "I like Teal'c very much. Perhaps you don't believe that, perhaps you believe I have an ulterior motive. Think what you want, but he is a very sweet man who grants me the attention I deserve."

As if she was ever wanting for attention. "I refuse to be held responsible for any of your antics," he felt the need to state. A disclaimer, even though she'd probably pooh-pooh it, and as team leader, he'd hear about the ramifications regardless.

"Don't worry, my dear colonel, we won't embarrass you." She smiled with malicious glee that made his stomach churn.

"Somehow I doubt that. And will you stop touching my pie?"

Vala took her second glob of stolen whipped cream, and wiped it off on his nose.

* * *

Sam was right: Cameron had seen any number of weird, weird things since he'd started working here. But none so unsettling as the time he caught the dynamic duo making out on Level 22. 'Caught' was a bit of a stretch, because they were sucking face in the middle of the hallway, without much regard for propriety or privacy. Cameron had heard Teal'c was unabashed about that sort of thing, but he hadn't expected him to be so... animated. Even when he was fighting, he had a tendency to be stoic.

Teal'c was wearing a black shirt, and Vala's small white hands made a sharp contrast against his enormous dark arms. It would have been somewhat artful, if they weren't his friends (sort of), and if this wasn't disturbing (very). Besides, as his teammates, this was somehow going to manage to reflect poorly on him and his ability to lead.

"Whoa!" said Cameron, throwing his arms up over his face. "Whoa, whoa, _whoa_, man."

When he dared to look again, Vala was discreetly wiping her mouth off with the back of her hand, but didn't look embarrassed in the slightest. Neither did Teal'c. "Is there a problem, Colonel Mitchell," said Teal'c with boundless patience.

"Yes," echoed Vala with perky defiance, "is there a problem, Colonel Mitchell?"

"Could you not do..." he flailed his arm in their direction, "_that_, in the middle of the hallway? People around here have jobs to do."

"I believe we are off-duty."

"You know," said Vala, running her finger down Teal'c's chest suggestively, and giving Cameron the heebie-jeebies, "if the good colonel is so desperate to get us out of his hair, we _could_ just leave the base... See the many pleasures this world has to offer..."

"_No_," Cameron injected firmly, even going so far as to do the angry pointing thing. "Definitely not without supervision. I'm not going to get court-martialed for letting aliens run loose."

"I have lived among humans for some time," Teal'c pointed out. "I am adept at blending in with your culture."

"You, maybe. But her, I wouldn't let loose anywhere." Vala smiled as though this was the grandest of compliments. Cameron could feel his sanity unraveling.

"Just..." he sighed with defeat. "Please don't make out in the hallway. I thought you said you weren't going to embarrass me."

Teal'c contemplated this, no doubt thinking that he'd made no such arrangement. "Do we make you uncomfortable?"

"He's jealous," Vala confided in a stage whisper. "You know what he needs, he needs a girlfriend. Perhaps a cute little farmer girl on some backwater planet."

The entire situation had gone from awkward to downright humiliating in the blink of an eye. "No," said Cameron.

"I know of several Jaffa women who may consider you suitable," said Teal'c.

"All right!" Cameron flung up his hands again. "Fine. I won't meddle anymore, okay? I swear."

As he continued past them, en route to the elevator, he could feel the weight of their patronizingly victorious stares on his back. So much for night and day; they were two peas in a pod. A vicious pod.


End file.
